.Life.Nature.Love.

126.5 pounds. Wondering where the future will take me, wondering if I can succeed in being here now. I'm tired of being fearful of the future simply because I don't want to repeat the past. What good is the past, it's long since ceased to exist? What good is the future, if every moment that I have is all that I have? The future is that which is yet to come, why lament over the fact that what is here now may not be here, always? We think that when we achieve this, when we have this, when this is going right, that we will be happy, satisfied. When I was 15, eating pickles for lunch every day until my friends had me sent to the nurse who made me cry and questioned me relentlessly on what it is I ate, I clearly thought that my goal was to be skinny, skinnier, the skinniest. But when I reached that goal, when I had girls envy me, when I fit my height with the weight of a model, I wasn't any happier. It was then that all my problems seemed to spiral forth, from an eating disorder to anxiety to depression to marijuana, and then back again. And through all of it, I wondered why I had to leave, until others started leaving, until my zest for life was all but missing, except in the wee hours of the morning when I often felt alive. And even that diminished, as time went by and responsibiity piled up and I wasn't the teenager with the world in front of her anymore. But this doesn't matter. What matters is what is happening at this very moment; the fact that I can sit her and contemplate my life in peace, in silence; the fact that outside the weather is calm and the air is cool and the stars are twinkling, for anyone who mights wish to see, the beauty of the night. The beauty that will welcome the day, the day that will bring whatever it has to bring. I wonder if I can succeed in the single most important goal I carry with me, to be here now. To forget what is behind that hinders progression, to expel the worry over tomorrow and what I may lose, because what may be gained is yet to be seen also, and should I not be hopeful for this? Should we not lose hope as we grow older, that the beauty in life will continue, forevermore? That as in all things, nature will take its course and things will come to pass that will come to pass again? I used to dream so vividly, an expression of my soul. I want to fly away with the passion of my soul exuding all the light that is harbored within me. I want to forget the competition and the yearning for more and the desire for that which cannot be. This is all there is, I am all I am, here is truth. Remember.

That is all.

Today, I did something I said I would never, ever, under any circumstance, do.

That is all.


They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Who said that, really? But really, I feel like I'm living it. I've never had anything but good intentions; for myself, for others, yet I end up right where I started. I'm always running in circles. I'm always repeating bad habits, or at least reincarnating them in new forms. I know, I know: we all do it. So for me to sit here and state it simply because you feign that you do not, means little to me. If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, prey tell, where is the road to heaven, and what is paved therein? I think that some of you grow tired of my seemingly exorbitant sense of entitlement, and I won't blame you, because what have I done? Who am I? Show me the evidence. Good, hard, evidence that I am a worthwhile person and I deserve what I so often claim to deserve? I don't have any-not to offer you. It's almost as if I'm losing who I am. Slowly, day by day, minute by minute, life is slipping through my fingers and I continue to get older, and in spite of, perhaps because of, my own sense of entitlement, I view what seems it could become a wasted life, as irredeemable. My moods are so intemperate that I fail to question them because I am so accustomed to it. So I take for granted how much leniency I have granted myself, because there is not other way. But why should another take that burden, willingly? And I respect how you question your investments. I feel that I have so much to offer and I see it as an absolute failure that none of my power is made manifest because it has never been nurtured. How many are out there, who could have changed the world, had they simply been able to find others who care? To complain is futile, this I know. So tomorrow, I will try again. Tomorrow, we will try again. I will try not to end my day in the same manner as today, but if I do, I will remind myself that every day that gets to pass is a success. I will try to remember who I am.

I need someone new. I need some joy in my life!

"When was the last time you wanted to say it all to the right person? To have it all come out right, to surprise yourself at how together you could be. When was the last time you ever met someone who made you want to give it all to them? I mean give yourself to them. Where you couldn't express yourself enough - like you wanted to cut off one of your arms to be understood. That's it - you would cut your head off to have someone understand you. You know how pointless that one is. You know how many times you've smashed yourself to bits on the rocks."
Henry Rollins

I think I'm too intent on believing that he's not a sociopath when in fact, that's exactly what he is. There's no other explanation. There's no guilt. He thinks himself worthy. Where's the rationale? Where's the consideration of others feelings? It's fucked up. I'm fucking tired of it. I wish he would move away and never come back so I'd never have to see him again. Fuck.

I feel like I'm going to be alone forever, and it seems like such a waste. I deserve so much more than this, and I hate it.

It's all wrong. This isn't how it was supposed to be. I AM who I am supposed to be but NOT where and with whom I am supposed to be with. How does that happen? Why can't I change it?

And I keep moving. And I keep moving. Even though I don't give a GOD DAMN SHIT.

FUCK.

bye.

And all there is to do is keep on moving.

Ionic bonding is a kind of chemical bonding that arises from the mutual attraction of oppositely-charged ions. Since ions of like charge repel each other, they do not usually exist on their own. Instead, they are bound to ions of the opposite charge.

The following is a completely unscientific statement indicating only that my mind correlates things and then proceeds to lead itself off on a tangent.

Perhaps it is a cliche comparison, but I must say, it is not always the simple fact that "opposites attract." Two negatives or two positives may be extremely attracted to each other, but because of the simple basis of what they are, they repel each other. Try as they might, repel they do. It's true. We're all just comprised of little ions. Fuck it.

Atmosphere was fucking AMAZING. Rolling on a fucking GOOD ONE. You have no idea. AMAZING.

Peace.

Wish my life was more ike that every day.

So, Atmosphere concert next Wednesday. SOOO excited!!! The following week I start school. I'll be taking four classes, and working 5-6 days a week. I owe my mom 1000 and as soon as I pay that back and save two paychecks, I intend on quitting my job and just focusing on school next semester, and on having some semblance of enjoyment of a social life and of hiking and things of that sort. I have to go see a counselor next week which I'm nervous about simply because I'm embarrassed by my transcript and I'm terrified they will tell me to give up any hopes of tranferring to a UC. God, I hope not. I'm majoring in psychology and minnoring in english, if it is doable at this point. Hopefully, I'll either have developed a new way of living in Santa Barbara by the end of this semester, or else I will have plans in place to move to LA/Santa Monica/Santa Cruz in order to enjoy life. Love. S.

And it hurts my heart. It hurts my heart to feel like I’m simply not good enough for him. It hurts my heart that I started to care about him more and more and to appreciate him more and he came to like who I am and being around me less and less. I began as a Goddess, as someone sent by the Lord as a blessing. I am now just a disposable female he feels free to manipulate as he chooses and gets exactly what he wishes. He began as an alcoholic, and then turned into the king he claimed all along that he was. How does that happen? How can one person be falling in love while the other is in the midst of “finding someone better”? And he always said he was a king. He told me he wanted me to bow down. And as preposterous as that sounds, I wish I had been more submissive. I wish I had shown him that I wanted him and that I would do things for him that I wouldn’t do for anyone else. But the thing is, in the beginning, I wasn’t ready. How do you know that someone is a prince until you have known them long enough for it to be revealed? But none of this matters because the fact is that I am not good enough for him and I never was and I never will be. And it’s a shame that I believe it. It’s a shame that I can like myself and think I deserve so much more than what I have but that I still don’t believe I am worthy of the person I want the most. And it’s nothing new. I suppose that what it is is that I know that most people are not worthy, so when I come across those rare souls that deserve the best, I feel that I cannot be all that they deserve. Especially because of the fact that these people are so hard to find. But does that make sense?



So where will the path lead? I wish that he would see that I want to give him everything but even if he sees that, I know deep down that he will never want it, because it won’t be enough. But I can’t say goodbye because I can’t say I am deserving. I lost my self respect and I don’t know how to find it.

The amount of time I spend alone is absolutely not normal. I spend far too much tme alone, and it fucks with me. I feel like this will never change, and that scares me. It really fucking scares me. How will this end up? Who will ever want to be with me? I feel like this all happened because I moved in the middle of high school. Before that, things were good. I used to be alive. So long ago...I'm 23, I'm not 80, and I hate feeling resigned. I hate feeling this fucking lonely. I hate being this alone. I miss having a best friend. I miss feeling alive. I miss myself.



This can't be it. This can't be all there is.

Sedulous: diligent in application or pursuit.




Where is the Life we have lost in living?
-T.S. Eliot

He dangles me by a string. A string I am not strong enough to cut nor is he selfless enough to do so. So I’m dangling by a thread, pitching thoughts in my head back and forth between my heart and bodies desire to see him and my awareness that following my heart may lead to my destruction; the destruction of the self-the destruction of the part of myself that believes in my own value. Why do I continue to deem myself unworthy, while still being the owner of a tumultuously stable self-confidence? How can I claim to believe in myself when my actions scream the opposite? And the answer is that I have always seemed to believe that the heart is right. The mind has been a demon through which I have relished in the comfort of sadness. The heart has always fought to overcome the thoughts in my head which tried to bring me down, which tried to make me loathe every last bit of myself to the point of amelioration. I couldn’t let them win. Is this simply a different part of my mind clinging to rationality-to biology? To the silly desire to keep running in circles maintaining the belief that we learn from our mistakes, when in reality, I am making the same mistake that I made with the first, allowing my control to be designated elsewhere, outside of the self. And how silly. How foolish. I will not refer to myself as pathetic because that would be to imply that the fact that I have feelings is pathetic, and it is not, however foolish these feelings are. So perhaps I am a fool. Perhaps I will never learn. But my heart has always been my compass and even when I try to fight it, it wins. Perhaps this is why I refuse to act in accordance with my own belief in myself, because my heart sees things that the mind doesn’t. Perhaps the mind is the most rational, when it comes down to it, but I cannot live through thought alone. I do not wish to.



The time: now. The aim: Living with all one's soul. The motivation: Remembering the moments when your heart knew love, your soul found laughter, your connections proved absolutely meaninful. Belief: In yourself, in the capacity of goodness in humanity, in the fact that these things will come again, always, until you become one with the stars.

Walking forward, making attempts not to look backward only to expect defeat. Grace, eventually. Peace, challengingly. Love, infinitely.

Always,
S.

Sunshine, sunshine, it's fine


Feel it in my skin, warming up my mind